Humor

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A little boy was attending his first wedding.    After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"  The blonde says, God help us.  Has it come this? 

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldnt find one big enough for her family.  

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"  The stock boy replied, "NO MA'AM, THEY'RE DEAD."

HOW TO SPOT A GAY TERRORIST 

Osama Bin Shoppin

Why Men Should Join the Church Choir

10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse. 9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly. 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?" 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen. 6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks. 5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget. 4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging. 3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch. 2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.) And the number 1 reason men should join the choir: 1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter

as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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The Baptist Dog
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog.

As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies."

Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the  Bible."

The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth

and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm

23."  The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. 

Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. 

Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit."  The dog sits.  He says, "Lie down."

The dog lies down. He says "Roll over."  The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." 

The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!"

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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance,

trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious

to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says,

"Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out

and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that"!
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A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage

and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and,

gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" -

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.

As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head.

It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly,

"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke,

the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
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A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man'

'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

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I found these truths to be true.  During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
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FUNNY STORE SIGNS

On a plumbing company's van:
"In our business a flush beats a full house!"

A sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

Sign on a retail store door:
PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

Another pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a house's fence:
"Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive."

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HOME REMEDIES YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE DOWN

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
itself.

2. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables get someone else
to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD- 40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
it does, use the duct tape.
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Man's best friend...

    
A dog is truly a man's best friend.  

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 
 
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?